Blackbird

Hi folks. I thought I'd begin with something a bit older. I wrote this in 2006.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

- The Beatles, Blackbird[i]

I can safely say that on almost every day of my life, I have heard at least one song by The Beatles. My dad was a huge fan of theirs, and he passed that on to my brother and I. I never get tired of them, and I’ve been hearing their songs for twenty-two years. More often than not, my dad would be strumming one of their songs on his guitar; most of the time it was the song Blackbird. That’s always how it was in my house.

The most significant, life-changing experience that has occurred in my life was losing my father to cancer last year.

He had cancer for the first time when I was 8 years old, though I didn’t know it at the time. I knew that he had to see a special doctor once a week, and I knew when he had surgery that they had taken most of the skin off of his right arm. Later on, my mom finally told us that it had been melanoma, and he had a large mole removed from his arm. I found out a lot of our play-dates with my friend Ashleigh had been merely babysitting so that my mom could take dad to treatment. The surgery was considered a success, but he never really had any feeling in most of his arm after that.

Last year in March, my dad found blood on the inside of one of his shirt sleeves. He discovered a large lump on the backside of his arm, almost exactly were his mole had been removed thirteen years earlier. He was tested, and a month later he was diagnosed with melanoma once more. We then entered the lengthy process of determining what treatment he should take.While this was going on, his back was starting to bother him. It was getting increasingly uncomfortable for him to get around. His doctors assured us that this was unrelated to his melanoma, and sent him off to physiotherapists who said that it was probably arthritis.

By July, he was bed-ridden. He couldn’t walk, he could barely get up to go to the bathroom. He certainly couldn’t make it down the stairs. One night, he just couldn’t get up to go to the bathroom, and we decided that this had to be more than just a bit of arthritis, and we called an ambulance.He was admitted to the hospital in mid-July, and then finally it was determined that the cancer had spread into his back, and a tumor had, in fact, crushed part of his spine.

He began radiation treatment soon afterwards. He didn’t lose much hair (although, he didn’t have much to lose anyways), but he got increasingly weaker and lost his appetite. He was in the hospital for over a month, but then in August the doctors determined that he was healthy enough to be treated at home.

The house took quite a transformation. We rented a hospital bed and had it in the family room on the first level of our house. We bought a commode so he didn’t have to travel far to go, and a walker so that if he did have to get up, he had more help than we could give by holding him up.Three weeks later, he had taken a turn for the worse. He was in diapers, and my mom was getting increasingly frustrated because she just couldn’t move him to change him. The tumor was hideous. It was black and mutated and it smelled horrific.

At that point, college had started again and I was supposed to be in Toronto doing the first of two major assignments for my final year of film school. I was in class on Monday of that week, and I went home immediately afterwards instead of staying in residence.

I cried the entire way home, much to the chagrin of those in the train around me. I had realized that day what was going to happen.When I got home, my mom had told me that the doctor had been in to see him. We had a decision to make: whether we wanted him at home or in the hospital for “this”.

He was dehydrated and barely breathing. We called an ambulance.He perked up a bit with the help of a drip, and became more coherent. That week we made sure he was never alone. We took shifts of staying at the hospital with him overnight, helping him have a drink He even talked a bit, mostly to thank us and tell us he loved us. He even said he liked my hair (I tend to dye it “unusual” colours like blue, purple, etc. – my dad would roll his eyes every time).

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of a dark black night.

- The Beatles, Blackbird[ii]

He passed away on September 16, 2005, at about two in the morning. I was outside in the hall, I couldn’t watch.

The next few days (with the funeral and the preparations for it) were largely a blur. My boyfriend and friends were there for me, and I will always be grateful for that. We played two songs during the funeral: Here, There and Everywhere (it had been my mom and dad’s first dance at their wedding) and Blackbird, both by The Beatles. I was back at school a few days later – I had already missed one of the major assignments.

I guess I’m supposed to talk about how this has been a significant change in my life, besides the obvious.

My house has changed significantly – we have a lot of new furniture, we had new windows installed, new curtains, new paint – it doesn’t look like it did back then. My mom’s changed her linens to reflect only her taste. We changed all the paintings in the living and family rooms. We got 2 new cars in the past year. This is merely a cosmetic change; an outward reflection of what’s changed inside.

My mom chose to retire early from teaching, she just wasn’t into it anymore. It’s incredibly odd to have her just be at home all day.

I think I have grown up a lot in the past year, which is not something I think would have happened if he was still here. I do way more chores than I did before (we were a bit spoiled in that way), because I don’t want my mom to have to do everything. We’ve both had to learn about taxes and the paying of bills and all of the financial stuff that my dad did. It’s a bit more of a forced growing up, but it has happened.

What hasn’t changed is the music. I still hear The Beatles almost every day, being strummed on the guitar. However, now it isn’t my dad, it’s just my younger brother. However, I’m sure one of the first things dad did, after saying hello to the rest of my family, was go introduce himself to John Lennon and George Harrison.

Each one believing that love never dies

Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

To be there and everywhere

Here, there and everywhere

- The Beatles, Here, There and Everywhere[iii]

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[i] Beatles, The. “Blackbird”. The White Album. CD. Apple, 1968

[ii] Beatles, The. “Blackbird”. The White Album. CD. Apple, 1968

[iii] Beatles, The. “Here, There and Everywhere”. Revolver. CD. Apple, 1966.